Macky
04-13-2006, 03:24 PM
OC Crew...the Legend.
by Macky; with Chapter V contributed by andykin
Chapter I
In the third millenium, earth and all its infrastructure was destoryed, hondas took over and the oc crew was in shambles. Lord Ultraflip, leader of the free band of roaming evos, gathered their forces to regain control of the ultimate power enhancer, NOS.
NOS, which has been banned in the horsepower wars, had become the forbidden fruit. Warriors who used forced induction had to resort to nearly impossible tuning conclaves to find ways to tame this powerful force. Only Lord Ultraflip and his fellow warriors were brave enough to fight the VTEC chariots, loaded with dark turbos, in the last horsepower war.
GenKai TerryS, commanding general of the strawberry picking camp where the remaining knights of the OC Crew gather, has pledged his sword in the service of Lord Ultraflip. Disgruntled members of other warring Evo factions have tried and failed to tear apart the remaining Knights but their resolve runs strong.
Templar Wilbert of the Golden Evo Clan, an ancient supporter of Lord Ultraflip and his followers, hath provided a well-needed boost in morale in the dark ages of censored pr0n.
But among the brave there are the brokebacks. OC Crew at heart but stumble at the drop of a hat. One of Lord Ultraflip's most trusted aides, Knight Dmoney, head of the JDM Clan, hath taken flak from other nearby Evo factions desperate for acknowledgement and apprenticeship, by being hesistant to include new members in their last surviving JDM Clan for fear of spreading the brokeback plague which has scoured the face of the cursed earth.
Chapter II
JDM Clan falls out of the fellowship for their great leader DMoney gets incarcerated for statutory reasons. Their members commit seppuku leaving their cars at Tustin Market Place. Lord Ultraflip attempts to get to the Tustin Market Place to part the cars before the Honda rivals get there, he was too late. As he approaches he see's General Vtec and a small asian boy in the parking lot taking Dmoney's gold rims.
Lord Ultraflip revs and pops flames scaring General Vtec's soldiers as he approaches, the GFB causes General Vtec and the small asian boy to cover their ears in pain. As Ultraflip gets closer and closer he realizes the small asian boy is Alvin the Wheel Entrepreneur! Lord Ultraflip is furious, Alvin is working with Team Honda!
After the earth shattering discovery of Alvin's trechery, he is sent off to Renzo the hutt to be disposed of in the fields of S2Ki, to be revved till his turbo blew an oil line...
Chapter III
Meanwhile at the gatherings, OC Crew Executor SpeedRacer hath decreed that 19 inch wheels were too bling, and announced a decree to banish evos with wheels bigger than 19 inches. Lone wolf SpdyEvo challenges his authority and the two battle it out in the 1320, greased with alvins own turbo oil...
DsmDriver, banished warrior from the Eclipse house, hath chosen to follow the OC Crew in their valiant efforts to rid of rice in all shapes and forms. Scourged by whips from his fair lady, his scars on his back are a testament to never giving up in the never ending fight to struggle to keep the 4G63 effigy alive in these days of big displacement, naturally aspirated, and high revving engines.
Chapter IV
Lord Ultraflip, sensing disarray among the troops, rallies everyone as he unsheaths his ultimate weapon...the anodized blue bamboo sticks. These shanks, about 8 feet long, were rumored to possess magical powers. A simple stroke, combined with the fabled kneepads of Long Beotch, have proven to straighten brokeback owners into submission....
Meanwhile...
Speedracer and SpdyEvo go out to deadevo's Track. On the way they stop to at a refueling station to fill up with hyper plutonium fuel. While SpdyEvo goes to drop the kids off at the pool he quickly runs over and spray his tires with Goku's Infamous Armor All
Goku's infamous Armor all, in itself possessing magical powers known in the modelling world, have been used quite extensively by the LA Evo Factions. However, it is this travelling WhoreLord, Goku the Spanglish Master, who hath imposed his will upon unsuspecting newbies.
The Armor All itself doubles as an indestructible hair gel and spray, capable of withstanding the massive torque loads during hard launches down the 1320. This coating, otherwise known as the "Goku Effect" has had destructive properties, rendering your speech useless and erratic as time goes by....
Chapter V
The battle of SpeedRacer and SpdyEvo is intense and a new variable is introduced, 25 shot NOS. Both racers managed to smuggle NOS into their vehicles without notifying the race commissioner Andy KinG. Overlord MackyQuires radios AndyKinG of the breach of contract among both racers in the forbidden use of NOS in a sanctioned race.
SpeedRacer outwaits SpdyEvo’s 25 shot to run out and he laughs out loud and says, “Too early junior” as he uses the rest of his 25 shot nitrous into the hairpin curves. As speeds reach 160 mph SpeedRacer gasp as he sees his reflection in the mere distance.
SpeedRacer, “WTF IS THIS?!”
The mere reflection was Overlord MackyQuires Evolution MR on the sidelines after hours of claybar.
SpeedRacer slams on his breaks as the his own HID’s blind him.
PO PO ZOW!!!!!!!!! SpeedRacer crashes into the mountain side and totals his car followed by SpdyEvo. SpeedRacer climbs out of his wrecked car, as he hooks up he sees race commissioner Andy KinG blowing bubbles out of his plastic pipe. His afro is glimmering in the moonlight, this guy must use some good afro shine SpeedRacer thinks to himself!
Andy KinG calmly says, “You dumbchits used NOS in a sanctioned race on my 405 norte without my permission?” Andy KinG continues to blow bubbles as Overlord MackyQuires approaches with Tom of HB Mitsu.
MackyQuires says, “Looks like you two need a new car, HAHAHA”
Everyone chuckles.
Chapter VI
Elsewhere....
Speedracer, dejected and broken, decides to switch over to the dark side. His weapon of choice - the Honda Civic Si. But he decides a twist: defying fate and all rationale, he decides to shoehorn one of the epic powerplants of all time - the Toyota 4A-GE with a lofty 15,000 rpm redline.
As he meticulously piece together his crown jewel, he surveys his potential victim. SpdyEvo has resorted to using a stock 4G63T, but with a tubular chassis and all Carbon Fiber shell. retaining the 19 inch wheels he used in the last encounter, he does not know the dangers that lie in wait...
Chapter VII
A light rain trickles down what was once known as the 405 freeway. hunks of broken down Mustangs, rotting Cobras, mangled Corvettes and the occasional twisted Camaros litter the sidelines. Blood from these fallen warriors has mixed with the light rain - creating a deadly cocktail enough to float any tire, regardless of their water siping ability.
These now cover the once porcelain-smooth 405, masking the deadly dangers of potholes and bumps. Hit from any angle and from any speed, these are known to bend titanium and shatter magnesium wheels with almost no effort.
This will be the battleground for Speedracer and SpdyEvo...
Chapter VIII
An oily slick slides down the 19-inch wheel of SpdyEvo’s car, brakes squealing to a halt, rubbing off rust and speed as he lines up his Evo. SpeedRacer’s Si, burbling along with exposed side exhaust pipes under the driver side door spitting out barely burnt exhaust gases, slowly engages first and, for the first time in years, Diamond Dickety Dave – once known as ErroR, stands between the two combatants. The light rain begins to increase in seconds, and the pavement becomes as soaked as a river bed. Announcing the 15,000 rpm rev limiter, SpeedRacer’s Evo’s bark is overwhelming SpdyEvo’s inline turbo four as they prepare to drop the clutch…
As Diamond Dickity Dave’s hands drop, a combined cachopony of wails, shrieks and hisses from the two cars send water flying in different directions, hurling the two machines forward with the ferocity of a hungry cheetah.
SpdyEvo’s car hits 100 first, with SpeedRacer less than a sneeze behind. 130mph comes and goes and both cars leave behind rooster tails of water as tall as 10 feet high. Approaching a heavily slicked section of the 405, SpdyEvo’s car momentarily looses traction as he begins to catch more water and hydroplanes 180* in the wrong way – with all four tires spinning frantically to regain traction.
SpeedRacer, less than a car length behind him, immediately slams into 3rd, turns the car sideways, applies opposite lock and passes by the driver side of SpdyEvo’s car, with the Si’s nose inches away from SpdyEvo’s window, in perfect drift, sideways at over 120 miles per hour.
Spectators cheered, OC crew shouts and screams in disbelief as SpdyEvo’s car spins yet again as Spdy tries to regain traction and momentum – his slicks doing him no good in conditions best suited for swamp boats than rally bred machines.
Regaining control, he points the nose of his chariot and takes dead aim on the six of the speeding SpeedRacer. Now more than six car lengths behind, he flips a switch on the dash – a scramble boost button, coupled with a hidden NOS unit, immediately lights all four tires and fishtails the Evo in a left-right-left-right fasion.
As SpeedRacer approaches the finish line, SpdyEvo, travelling at more than 130 mph pointed the wrong way, somehow catches up as SpeedRacer attempts to slow down. He hits one of the buried potholes, and his Evo takes flight. Spinning and yawing, his Evo then hurtles towards the unsuspecting SpeedRacer. With his Si at almost a complete stop, SpdyEvo’s car hits the nose of the Si, tumbles over and lands on all four. The Si, bent from the front fender up, spewing oil and catching fire, skids off to the sideline and stops nose first on the carcass of a heavily rusted SS Camaro.
Unfazed and unhurt, SpdyEvo jumps out of his car and proceeds to mock the fallen SpeedRacer.
“I live my life a quarter mile at a time bitch…” defiantly he said.
Opening his eyes, SpeedRacer shoots back: “well you cant live your life a quarter mile at a time if you don’t have a car…”
He flips a switch.
**KA-BOOM!**
SpdyEvo’s car explodes and disintegrates before everyone’s eyes.
Chapter IX
Traversing what was once the 909 highland kingdom, now called "Brokeback Mountains" after the Third Centennial Race Wars, OC Crew Silver Knight DocoMo-San and his fellow Knight QSJoeygst were suddenly stopped, their gravel-spec rally tires clawing to a halt, as few surviving members of King Blaze's Highland Kingdom Imperial Guards stand in their way.
"WTF you bitches doin' here?" - shot Turbolarry, leader of the Imperial Guards. "Dont you know we can kick your ass with a turbo tied behind our back?"
Thero, another Imperial Guardsman, pointed at the worn out gravel tires the two OC Knights used to traverse the trail up to the Brokeback Mountains, and said "man those look like wal mart tires! HA HA HA"
Before he could chuckle another word, DocoMo-San, having studied the dark art of Ninjitsu, was suddenly inches away from Thero's neck with a Samurai blade with serrated teeth drawn just below Thero's chin.
He quietly said...
"Those are COSTCO tires there bud. Now let us pass before I make you live your life eating through straws, COMPRENDE?"
He then looks at Turbolarry.
Turbolarry shot back: "Comprende senyor."
DoCoMo-San's eyes focus from Turbolarry to Thero...
Quietly he asked again...."Comprende?"
"Comprende." Thero replies.
They let the two Knights pass to continue their patrol, hunting for rouge Evo owners and Honda Militia. As they begin their trek, QSJoeygst walks slowly and, after passing both Imperial guards, he looks back and says...
"Who got PWNED NOW BITCH?"
He then makes a fist with his right hand, hits his left chest twice, then makes a peace out sign.
"later bitches..."
Chapter X
Later that day.....
SpeedRacer was summoned by Andy King.
I want you to go with me to the Flame Broiler to discuss important matters.
"Yes Andy King." he said. "Shall I bring knee pads?"
Lord Ultraflip, OUT of FRICKIN' NOWHERE, SLAPS the taste off SpeedRacer's mouth and says:
"Dammit dont be bringing no ghetto brokeback in these here places!"
"Yes, Sire." he meekly replied, in a downright dejected tone.
As Lord Ultraflip walks away, Andy King walks over to SpeedRacer and whispers...
"dont worry, I have extra knee pads for ya..."
Chapter XI
Inside the Imperial Garage, where Andy King and SpeedRacer prepare to "operate"......
Andy King, with kneepads at the ready, prepares SpeedRacer's Evo for service in the Garage bay.
He struggles, without the aid of Lord Ultraflip, to install a new downpipe underneath SpeedRacer's new car, a prototype Evo XVIII.
"damn thing doesnt wanna go in." Andy said, inbetween gasps of air.
"what do you think is the problem?" SpeedRacer asks.
"It's frickin' TOO BIG! Thats the problem" Andy King replies.
again, OUT OF FRICKIN' NOWHERE, Lord Ultraflip says to the two:
"THATS WHAT SHE SAID!"
Lord Ultraflip adds:
"Let me show you boys how its REALLY done. If you guys cant make that thing fit using the tools in this here garage, you guys dont deserve to be near a car..."
sparks fly, bolts and screws fall off. a whack here and a smash there, and within mere minutes, Lord Ultraflip gets the downpipe installed with the look of a factory fresh install.
"Aight lets fire her up!"
at the push of the anodized blue starter button, the new Evo's engine barks to life and stabilizes into a steady growl. Titanium exhaust parts, including the new forged Titanium downpipe, give the Evo XVIII a throaty roar each time the accelerator is pressed.
Lord Ultraflip and SpeedRacer takes the car out for a spin and head down Pacific Coast Highway. Rolling up to a light, they line up against an aged, rumbling, Top Fuel Funny car, with a Subaru STi body.
"Nice car," SpeedRacer yells "whats the retail on one of those?"
driver from the funny car yells over from inside a closed helmet (which was stupid really) : "more than you can afford pal, Ferrari..." proceeding to rev the supercharged engine a couple times.
Lord Ultraflip shakes his head and looks to SpeedRacer, saying: "smoke em."
a small dove lands in front and between both cars on the dusty stretch of PCH. SpeedRacer tightens his grip on the MOMO anodized titanium steering wheel with on-wheel digital displays and leather grips, pulls on the paddle shifter, engaging first gear. He brings the revs to 16,000 rpm. The top fuel STi revs the life out of his engine...
the dove flies off.
SpeedRacer sidesteps the brakes.
The top fuel launches.
And both Machines hurtle past 100 mph in a split second.
Accelerating HARD down hard PCH, SpeedRacer engages top gear, 7th, at more than 14,000 rpm. the top fuel, falling back and loosing grip, slows down to avoid oncoming traffic.
Lord Ultraflip looks back as they pass an Enzo, crossing over to the opposing lane and they pull bus lengths on the top fuel and continue on down PCH.....
Chapter XII
Cruising down past sunset boulevard, Lord Ultraflip and SpeedRacer snakes thru what was once Pacific Palisades.
"this place has become ghetto after the last Race Wars." Lord Ultraflip says.
SpeedRacer nods his head in reply as he switches the Evo XVIII to full auto mode, seamlessly shifting gears as they roll 5 over 40 in the quiet chinese village.
Entering the newly built, 30-mile slalom section headed towards what was once angeles crest highway, now home to a big Honda Militia, SpeedRacer and Lord Ultraflip come behind a new Integra Type R Mk XX.
They follow behind, in an ever increasing pace, along the twisty roads up the mountain. falling rocks, blind crests and dusty surfaces do little to slow down the new Evo and Integra. "Face it," Lord Ultraflip said. "these new cars can make anybody look good."
Taking that as a challenge, SpeedRacer tires of the honda's high jinx, pulls on the downshift paddle a gear or two and gets serious.
"later." SpeedRacer says.
The Evo XVIII instantaneously hits boost, and they made like a baby and head out, leaving the squirming Integra in the dust like a dried out leaf...
Chapter XIII
Meanwhile at the strawberry picking camp...
As GenKai TerryS prepares his troops for qualifying on a local strip, Princess Miss Evo 8, estranged sister to SpeedRacer, asks him:
"where art thou be my brother SpeedRacer, oh wise and merciful one?"
"How the heck should i know?" GenKai TerryS replies. "What do I look like, his mother?"
"YOUR MOM WENT TO COLLEGE!" shouted an unknown voice from out of nowhere.
Princess Miss Evo 8 giggles. GenKai TerryS says in reply:
"Well ask Dmoney, I think he may have seen him. Or Lord Ultraflip, he was schooling them in the ways of the Force the other day I believe."
"I greatly appreciate thy help, GenKai TerryS."
As she proceeds outside the Strawberry Picking Camp, Princess Miss Evo 8 ventures into unknown territory and runs into WhoreLord Goku.
Captivated by the spell cast by WhoreLord Goku's infamous hair gel, the Princess' Evo sputters and dies.
**ccrank, crank, CRANK. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz** the race-grade fuel pump and starter fail to fire the engine back to life.
An evil look from the WhoreLord's eyes frightens the fair lady. Screaming for help, her cries fall upon deaf ears.
WhoreLord Goku's outstretched hand reaches out, coming ever closer to Princess Miss Evo 8's window.
She frantically twists the key, hoping to get the car fired up but to no avail. Her transponder is dead, and her communicator cannot acquire a signal. She is doomed.
The WhoreLord's hands make contact, and pulls a banana from the driver side front fender of Princess Miss Evo 8's car.
"Dont you know these cost a dollar? Imagine all the illegal immigrants working under the hot Bahamas sun by the beach picking these day in and day out. Have you no shame Princess?"
Shocked, she says in return: "Thou art not my fault I ran over that banana. Thou shouldnt be selling fruits by thy road, kind sir."
"I see, I see." WhoreLord Goku replies. "Want some hair gel?"
Unbenknownst to both of them, careening down the road with his sword drawn, Knight Dmoney was charging down, thinking of saving the Princess...
by Macky; with Chapter V contributed by andykin
Chapter I
In the third millenium, earth and all its infrastructure was destoryed, hondas took over and the oc crew was in shambles. Lord Ultraflip, leader of the free band of roaming evos, gathered their forces to regain control of the ultimate power enhancer, NOS.
NOS, which has been banned in the horsepower wars, had become the forbidden fruit. Warriors who used forced induction had to resort to nearly impossible tuning conclaves to find ways to tame this powerful force. Only Lord Ultraflip and his fellow warriors were brave enough to fight the VTEC chariots, loaded with dark turbos, in the last horsepower war.
GenKai TerryS, commanding general of the strawberry picking camp where the remaining knights of the OC Crew gather, has pledged his sword in the service of Lord Ultraflip. Disgruntled members of other warring Evo factions have tried and failed to tear apart the remaining Knights but their resolve runs strong.
Templar Wilbert of the Golden Evo Clan, an ancient supporter of Lord Ultraflip and his followers, hath provided a well-needed boost in morale in the dark ages of censored pr0n.
But among the brave there are the brokebacks. OC Crew at heart but stumble at the drop of a hat. One of Lord Ultraflip's most trusted aides, Knight Dmoney, head of the JDM Clan, hath taken flak from other nearby Evo factions desperate for acknowledgement and apprenticeship, by being hesistant to include new members in their last surviving JDM Clan for fear of spreading the brokeback plague which has scoured the face of the cursed earth.
Chapter II
JDM Clan falls out of the fellowship for their great leader DMoney gets incarcerated for statutory reasons. Their members commit seppuku leaving their cars at Tustin Market Place. Lord Ultraflip attempts to get to the Tustin Market Place to part the cars before the Honda rivals get there, he was too late. As he approaches he see's General Vtec and a small asian boy in the parking lot taking Dmoney's gold rims.
Lord Ultraflip revs and pops flames scaring General Vtec's soldiers as he approaches, the GFB causes General Vtec and the small asian boy to cover their ears in pain. As Ultraflip gets closer and closer he realizes the small asian boy is Alvin the Wheel Entrepreneur! Lord Ultraflip is furious, Alvin is working with Team Honda!
After the earth shattering discovery of Alvin's trechery, he is sent off to Renzo the hutt to be disposed of in the fields of S2Ki, to be revved till his turbo blew an oil line...
Chapter III
Meanwhile at the gatherings, OC Crew Executor SpeedRacer hath decreed that 19 inch wheels were too bling, and announced a decree to banish evos with wheels bigger than 19 inches. Lone wolf SpdyEvo challenges his authority and the two battle it out in the 1320, greased with alvins own turbo oil...
DsmDriver, banished warrior from the Eclipse house, hath chosen to follow the OC Crew in their valiant efforts to rid of rice in all shapes and forms. Scourged by whips from his fair lady, his scars on his back are a testament to never giving up in the never ending fight to struggle to keep the 4G63 effigy alive in these days of big displacement, naturally aspirated, and high revving engines.
Chapter IV
Lord Ultraflip, sensing disarray among the troops, rallies everyone as he unsheaths his ultimate weapon...the anodized blue bamboo sticks. These shanks, about 8 feet long, were rumored to possess magical powers. A simple stroke, combined with the fabled kneepads of Long Beotch, have proven to straighten brokeback owners into submission....
Meanwhile...
Speedracer and SpdyEvo go out to deadevo's Track. On the way they stop to at a refueling station to fill up with hyper plutonium fuel. While SpdyEvo goes to drop the kids off at the pool he quickly runs over and spray his tires with Goku's Infamous Armor All
Goku's infamous Armor all, in itself possessing magical powers known in the modelling world, have been used quite extensively by the LA Evo Factions. However, it is this travelling WhoreLord, Goku the Spanglish Master, who hath imposed his will upon unsuspecting newbies.
The Armor All itself doubles as an indestructible hair gel and spray, capable of withstanding the massive torque loads during hard launches down the 1320. This coating, otherwise known as the "Goku Effect" has had destructive properties, rendering your speech useless and erratic as time goes by....
Chapter V
The battle of SpeedRacer and SpdyEvo is intense and a new variable is introduced, 25 shot NOS. Both racers managed to smuggle NOS into their vehicles without notifying the race commissioner Andy KinG. Overlord MackyQuires radios AndyKinG of the breach of contract among both racers in the forbidden use of NOS in a sanctioned race.
SpeedRacer outwaits SpdyEvo’s 25 shot to run out and he laughs out loud and says, “Too early junior” as he uses the rest of his 25 shot nitrous into the hairpin curves. As speeds reach 160 mph SpeedRacer gasp as he sees his reflection in the mere distance.
SpeedRacer, “WTF IS THIS?!”
The mere reflection was Overlord MackyQuires Evolution MR on the sidelines after hours of claybar.
SpeedRacer slams on his breaks as the his own HID’s blind him.
PO PO ZOW!!!!!!!!! SpeedRacer crashes into the mountain side and totals his car followed by SpdyEvo. SpeedRacer climbs out of his wrecked car, as he hooks up he sees race commissioner Andy KinG blowing bubbles out of his plastic pipe. His afro is glimmering in the moonlight, this guy must use some good afro shine SpeedRacer thinks to himself!
Andy KinG calmly says, “You dumbchits used NOS in a sanctioned race on my 405 norte without my permission?” Andy KinG continues to blow bubbles as Overlord MackyQuires approaches with Tom of HB Mitsu.
MackyQuires says, “Looks like you two need a new car, HAHAHA”
Everyone chuckles.
Chapter VI
Elsewhere....
Speedracer, dejected and broken, decides to switch over to the dark side. His weapon of choice - the Honda Civic Si. But he decides a twist: defying fate and all rationale, he decides to shoehorn one of the epic powerplants of all time - the Toyota 4A-GE with a lofty 15,000 rpm redline.
As he meticulously piece together his crown jewel, he surveys his potential victim. SpdyEvo has resorted to using a stock 4G63T, but with a tubular chassis and all Carbon Fiber shell. retaining the 19 inch wheels he used in the last encounter, he does not know the dangers that lie in wait...
Chapter VII
A light rain trickles down what was once known as the 405 freeway. hunks of broken down Mustangs, rotting Cobras, mangled Corvettes and the occasional twisted Camaros litter the sidelines. Blood from these fallen warriors has mixed with the light rain - creating a deadly cocktail enough to float any tire, regardless of their water siping ability.
These now cover the once porcelain-smooth 405, masking the deadly dangers of potholes and bumps. Hit from any angle and from any speed, these are known to bend titanium and shatter magnesium wheels with almost no effort.
This will be the battleground for Speedracer and SpdyEvo...
Chapter VIII
An oily slick slides down the 19-inch wheel of SpdyEvo’s car, brakes squealing to a halt, rubbing off rust and speed as he lines up his Evo. SpeedRacer’s Si, burbling along with exposed side exhaust pipes under the driver side door spitting out barely burnt exhaust gases, slowly engages first and, for the first time in years, Diamond Dickety Dave – once known as ErroR, stands between the two combatants. The light rain begins to increase in seconds, and the pavement becomes as soaked as a river bed. Announcing the 15,000 rpm rev limiter, SpeedRacer’s Evo’s bark is overwhelming SpdyEvo’s inline turbo four as they prepare to drop the clutch…
As Diamond Dickity Dave’s hands drop, a combined cachopony of wails, shrieks and hisses from the two cars send water flying in different directions, hurling the two machines forward with the ferocity of a hungry cheetah.
SpdyEvo’s car hits 100 first, with SpeedRacer less than a sneeze behind. 130mph comes and goes and both cars leave behind rooster tails of water as tall as 10 feet high. Approaching a heavily slicked section of the 405, SpdyEvo’s car momentarily looses traction as he begins to catch more water and hydroplanes 180* in the wrong way – with all four tires spinning frantically to regain traction.
SpeedRacer, less than a car length behind him, immediately slams into 3rd, turns the car sideways, applies opposite lock and passes by the driver side of SpdyEvo’s car, with the Si’s nose inches away from SpdyEvo’s window, in perfect drift, sideways at over 120 miles per hour.
Spectators cheered, OC crew shouts and screams in disbelief as SpdyEvo’s car spins yet again as Spdy tries to regain traction and momentum – his slicks doing him no good in conditions best suited for swamp boats than rally bred machines.
Regaining control, he points the nose of his chariot and takes dead aim on the six of the speeding SpeedRacer. Now more than six car lengths behind, he flips a switch on the dash – a scramble boost button, coupled with a hidden NOS unit, immediately lights all four tires and fishtails the Evo in a left-right-left-right fasion.
As SpeedRacer approaches the finish line, SpdyEvo, travelling at more than 130 mph pointed the wrong way, somehow catches up as SpeedRacer attempts to slow down. He hits one of the buried potholes, and his Evo takes flight. Spinning and yawing, his Evo then hurtles towards the unsuspecting SpeedRacer. With his Si at almost a complete stop, SpdyEvo’s car hits the nose of the Si, tumbles over and lands on all four. The Si, bent from the front fender up, spewing oil and catching fire, skids off to the sideline and stops nose first on the carcass of a heavily rusted SS Camaro.
Unfazed and unhurt, SpdyEvo jumps out of his car and proceeds to mock the fallen SpeedRacer.
“I live my life a quarter mile at a time bitch…” defiantly he said.
Opening his eyes, SpeedRacer shoots back: “well you cant live your life a quarter mile at a time if you don’t have a car…”
He flips a switch.
**KA-BOOM!**
SpdyEvo’s car explodes and disintegrates before everyone’s eyes.
Chapter IX
Traversing what was once the 909 highland kingdom, now called "Brokeback Mountains" after the Third Centennial Race Wars, OC Crew Silver Knight DocoMo-San and his fellow Knight QSJoeygst were suddenly stopped, their gravel-spec rally tires clawing to a halt, as few surviving members of King Blaze's Highland Kingdom Imperial Guards stand in their way.
"WTF you bitches doin' here?" - shot Turbolarry, leader of the Imperial Guards. "Dont you know we can kick your ass with a turbo tied behind our back?"
Thero, another Imperial Guardsman, pointed at the worn out gravel tires the two OC Knights used to traverse the trail up to the Brokeback Mountains, and said "man those look like wal mart tires! HA HA HA"
Before he could chuckle another word, DocoMo-San, having studied the dark art of Ninjitsu, was suddenly inches away from Thero's neck with a Samurai blade with serrated teeth drawn just below Thero's chin.
He quietly said...
"Those are COSTCO tires there bud. Now let us pass before I make you live your life eating through straws, COMPRENDE?"
He then looks at Turbolarry.
Turbolarry shot back: "Comprende senyor."
DoCoMo-San's eyes focus from Turbolarry to Thero...
Quietly he asked again...."Comprende?"
"Comprende." Thero replies.
They let the two Knights pass to continue their patrol, hunting for rouge Evo owners and Honda Militia. As they begin their trek, QSJoeygst walks slowly and, after passing both Imperial guards, he looks back and says...
"Who got PWNED NOW BITCH?"
He then makes a fist with his right hand, hits his left chest twice, then makes a peace out sign.
"later bitches..."
Chapter X
Later that day.....
SpeedRacer was summoned by Andy King.
I want you to go with me to the Flame Broiler to discuss important matters.
"Yes Andy King." he said. "Shall I bring knee pads?"
Lord Ultraflip, OUT of FRICKIN' NOWHERE, SLAPS the taste off SpeedRacer's mouth and says:
"Dammit dont be bringing no ghetto brokeback in these here places!"
"Yes, Sire." he meekly replied, in a downright dejected tone.
As Lord Ultraflip walks away, Andy King walks over to SpeedRacer and whispers...
"dont worry, I have extra knee pads for ya..."
Chapter XI
Inside the Imperial Garage, where Andy King and SpeedRacer prepare to "operate"......
Andy King, with kneepads at the ready, prepares SpeedRacer's Evo for service in the Garage bay.
He struggles, without the aid of Lord Ultraflip, to install a new downpipe underneath SpeedRacer's new car, a prototype Evo XVIII.
"damn thing doesnt wanna go in." Andy said, inbetween gasps of air.
"what do you think is the problem?" SpeedRacer asks.
"It's frickin' TOO BIG! Thats the problem" Andy King replies.
again, OUT OF FRICKIN' NOWHERE, Lord Ultraflip says to the two:
"THATS WHAT SHE SAID!"
Lord Ultraflip adds:
"Let me show you boys how its REALLY done. If you guys cant make that thing fit using the tools in this here garage, you guys dont deserve to be near a car..."
sparks fly, bolts and screws fall off. a whack here and a smash there, and within mere minutes, Lord Ultraflip gets the downpipe installed with the look of a factory fresh install.
"Aight lets fire her up!"
at the push of the anodized blue starter button, the new Evo's engine barks to life and stabilizes into a steady growl. Titanium exhaust parts, including the new forged Titanium downpipe, give the Evo XVIII a throaty roar each time the accelerator is pressed.
Lord Ultraflip and SpeedRacer takes the car out for a spin and head down Pacific Coast Highway. Rolling up to a light, they line up against an aged, rumbling, Top Fuel Funny car, with a Subaru STi body.
"Nice car," SpeedRacer yells "whats the retail on one of those?"
driver from the funny car yells over from inside a closed helmet (which was stupid really) : "more than you can afford pal, Ferrari..." proceeding to rev the supercharged engine a couple times.
Lord Ultraflip shakes his head and looks to SpeedRacer, saying: "smoke em."
a small dove lands in front and between both cars on the dusty stretch of PCH. SpeedRacer tightens his grip on the MOMO anodized titanium steering wheel with on-wheel digital displays and leather grips, pulls on the paddle shifter, engaging first gear. He brings the revs to 16,000 rpm. The top fuel STi revs the life out of his engine...
the dove flies off.
SpeedRacer sidesteps the brakes.
The top fuel launches.
And both Machines hurtle past 100 mph in a split second.
Accelerating HARD down hard PCH, SpeedRacer engages top gear, 7th, at more than 14,000 rpm. the top fuel, falling back and loosing grip, slows down to avoid oncoming traffic.
Lord Ultraflip looks back as they pass an Enzo, crossing over to the opposing lane and they pull bus lengths on the top fuel and continue on down PCH.....
Chapter XII
Cruising down past sunset boulevard, Lord Ultraflip and SpeedRacer snakes thru what was once Pacific Palisades.
"this place has become ghetto after the last Race Wars." Lord Ultraflip says.
SpeedRacer nods his head in reply as he switches the Evo XVIII to full auto mode, seamlessly shifting gears as they roll 5 over 40 in the quiet chinese village.
Entering the newly built, 30-mile slalom section headed towards what was once angeles crest highway, now home to a big Honda Militia, SpeedRacer and Lord Ultraflip come behind a new Integra Type R Mk XX.
They follow behind, in an ever increasing pace, along the twisty roads up the mountain. falling rocks, blind crests and dusty surfaces do little to slow down the new Evo and Integra. "Face it," Lord Ultraflip said. "these new cars can make anybody look good."
Taking that as a challenge, SpeedRacer tires of the honda's high jinx, pulls on the downshift paddle a gear or two and gets serious.
"later." SpeedRacer says.
The Evo XVIII instantaneously hits boost, and they made like a baby and head out, leaving the squirming Integra in the dust like a dried out leaf...
Chapter XIII
Meanwhile at the strawberry picking camp...
As GenKai TerryS prepares his troops for qualifying on a local strip, Princess Miss Evo 8, estranged sister to SpeedRacer, asks him:
"where art thou be my brother SpeedRacer, oh wise and merciful one?"
"How the heck should i know?" GenKai TerryS replies. "What do I look like, his mother?"
"YOUR MOM WENT TO COLLEGE!" shouted an unknown voice from out of nowhere.
Princess Miss Evo 8 giggles. GenKai TerryS says in reply:
"Well ask Dmoney, I think he may have seen him. Or Lord Ultraflip, he was schooling them in the ways of the Force the other day I believe."
"I greatly appreciate thy help, GenKai TerryS."
As she proceeds outside the Strawberry Picking Camp, Princess Miss Evo 8 ventures into unknown territory and runs into WhoreLord Goku.
Captivated by the spell cast by WhoreLord Goku's infamous hair gel, the Princess' Evo sputters and dies.
**ccrank, crank, CRANK. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz** the race-grade fuel pump and starter fail to fire the engine back to life.
An evil look from the WhoreLord's eyes frightens the fair lady. Screaming for help, her cries fall upon deaf ears.
WhoreLord Goku's outstretched hand reaches out, coming ever closer to Princess Miss Evo 8's window.
She frantically twists the key, hoping to get the car fired up but to no avail. Her transponder is dead, and her communicator cannot acquire a signal. She is doomed.
The WhoreLord's hands make contact, and pulls a banana from the driver side front fender of Princess Miss Evo 8's car.
"Dont you know these cost a dollar? Imagine all the illegal immigrants working under the hot Bahamas sun by the beach picking these day in and day out. Have you no shame Princess?"
Shocked, she says in return: "Thou art not my fault I ran over that banana. Thou shouldnt be selling fruits by thy road, kind sir."
"I see, I see." WhoreLord Goku replies. "Want some hair gel?"
Unbenknownst to both of them, careening down the road with his sword drawn, Knight Dmoney was charging down, thinking of saving the Princess...